Idiot Magnet

I am an Idiot Magnet. I don’t know why, but I am. Maybe it is an illness. Maybe it is a lifestyle choice or maybe it’s genetic. I’m pretty sure Westboro Baptist Church has a sign saying ‘God Hates Idiot Magnets’ but that’s just the way it is. I’m not sure if it works on a timer or if it simply sucks in Idiots whenever they are in the vicinity but it was certainly switched on today. All I ask is your understanding.
Let me tell you all about it.
After another 10-hour shift with the Dead Russian Guys I left the archive to find it was pouring with rain ...and I had left my umbrella at home. Never mind, I had miPod on shuffle so set off for the bus stop. Everything was going well until I heard a howl behind me. It was a real werewolf kinda howl and I must admit it did make me jump! There was also some indistinguishable shouting so I carried on without looking back (don’t want to encourage them by looking). I should have known the Magnet was working then but I live in hope that it misses the occasional Idiot, especially on a rainy night in Leeds (like Brook Benton’s Rainy Night in Georgia but not so nice).
The shouting continued in an indistinguishable manner until said Idiot walked past me. Magnet on full strength, the Idiot decided I was to be the target of his howling tirade. It was at this point that the rant began to become understandable. Would I, he wanted to know, stand by my husband if he accidentally killed another man by punching him in the face? Well, would I? Would I? Without waiting for my answer, I was told that I would indeed stand by him because he was my husband and therefore it would be wrong of me to ‘Dob him into the police’.
Phew, I thought. I’m glad I’ve got that sorted. Now if only a green man would come on I could cross the street and hopefully get the Magnet to deactivate by putting some distance between me and the Idiot. No, that wasn’t going to happen. (I wonder if the Magnet has something to do with keeping lights from changing to green?).
Having gone through his repertoire of moral education the Idiot started all over again at the beginning. Well? Would I? Would? (Did I say this was at the top of his voice?) While he was walking a few paces ahead of me and shouting over his shoulder at me other people in the street were staring at HIM but then he decided I possibly wasn’t hearing his questions clearly enough so fell into step beside me and began yelling in my right ear. Now everyone in the street was looking at ME. As if he was MY fault!
By the time he had gone through this monologue 3 or 4 times the lights eventually changed and I made my getaway across the street.
I just want to leave you with this thought, dear friends. If I accidentally killed a total stranger in the street by punching him in the face, would you stand by me? Well? Would you? Would you?